Been having headaches in my left lower occiput for the past few days off and on. Nothing debilitating, just there.
Looking forward, I wonder what will happen next. The mania / depression moods are no longer as bad as they once were, but their onset is so rapid that they are still disruptive. And I still lose days to depression when I stay home and do nothing much. Practically it means I can't be reliable. How can I take on a long term job or study if I can't predict my state of mind / being over the next two weeks. This really throws into question the type of work I can handle. It upsets me, because my intelligence hasn't changed.
I fear I may be stuck doing work that is below my intelligence capability, but rather is based on my ability to function (or not function). I haven't figured out how to deal with this and I don't think I have come to terms with it yet.
The current model for depression / bipolar disorder is that it is the inability of the body to properly regulate and balance some of the chemicals in the brain. Well, perhaps. But the effects of bipolar disorder cannot be fixed simply by helping the body to rebalance these chemicals. Bipolar disorder is something other than me, but nevertheless it contributed to shaping who I am today. Even if I do not like what it has done to me and even if I am on medication to release me from its thralls, it will still take quite some time (and therapy?) for me disentangle my true identity / self from the person I appear to be now, and to reshape habits bent by being bipolar.
As the day draws on I find myself becoming slightly irritable. Everything is annoying and all I want to do is sleep.
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