Home Sweet Home

Got home from Louisiana last night and boy, it's amazing to be back. I find it interesting however that since I've been home I am slightly more forgetful than usual. I forgot my meds this morning despite reminders. Not sure why.

The last few days have been boring. I haven't done or felt anything spectacular. So there is not too much to report. The Stavzor seems to have kicked in and seems to be working.

Any assumption that my life is back to normal is just plain wrong. I feel like I have spent the last few months spending all my energy just trying to stay afloat in the ocean of life. 

The Stavzor seems to be my life raft. It's truly amazing that I no longer struggle to be alive but there's a down side. Now that I'm in this raft, I woke up and looked around. All I see is the vast, featureless ocean. The real challenges still lie ahead. I must find a rock to stand on - to build my life upon. There's lots of work to do.

I've felt sort of depressed for a while now. But I'm not sure I truly am. I just don't know what to do next.  I've been making lists of the things I can do, and the things I want to do. I have followed my feelings and that of others and aimed high. But at the same time, it is still difficult visualizing myself doing these things.

As a potential fix for this problem, I've decided to enroll in school. Again. But this time I think it will take me in the right direction. I am no longer attempting to make a break from my career of seven years and instead I've chosen to advance it. Maybe my life raft has found its way to the surf of an incredibly large island. And maybe, just maybe, that island is volcanic and will grow over time.

There is one downside to my new possible life. It's not safe and that terrifies me. So for now, I am stuck between two extremes: the comfort and relative stability of my old life and the possibility of a much more productive and possibly safe life. I don't know how to do this.