Monday, February 7, 2011

Is it Hopeless?

I realized that the horror / hopelessness I have been feeling stems mostly from not being able to sustain any project. My current imagery is that of being stuck in the here and now without having a future or even being able to imagine a future. Or of sitting on the sidelines and watching the world go by and not being able to take part because I can't keep up with the people.

My friends will in their everyday lives do the little or big things that move their lives one step further on - you could say they move on further down the road of life. I won't be able to do that. I'm trapped at the location I am at and I can't achieve any more. And so they will leave me behind.

Everyone creates a script for their futures. We will get a good job as an accountant or a doctor, we will get married before the age thirty, we will have two children, we will own a house by the time we are thirty five, we will raise the kids, we will go on the dream vacation to Australia within the next eight years...and so on. And although real life doesn't follow the script exactly, and although the script needs adjusting from time to time, there it is providing a structure for the future and the actions we will take.

My problem is that I can't seem to develop one. I mean I can create a general life script, but I know that anything written for more than three weeks is pure fiction. And because I know that, the script is effectively meaningless. So unlike most people who have some tapestry of a future life, I have a piece of blank cloth with a little bit of writing in tiny letters on the bottom right hand corner. And I have no idea what else to draw on the cloth that won't be fake.

It is generally assumed that not being able to remember your past denies you of your identity; there are lots of stories about people with amnesia. But I am realizing that it is equally true that not having a future just as effectively robs me of my identity. If I can't cast forward my dreams, then there is no person inhabiting my body now.

1 comment:

  1. please don't despair,there is always hope..
    Hope for warmer temperatures,hope for a nice sunny day, there are always those that can hold the hope for you..until you can hold it for itself. you are not now nor ever alone in this quest.
    Think of it as more of a journey,

    a journey of choices, some choices are good,some not so good..we are only able to control this moment in time, the last moment is now history and the next moment is not here yet,
    there are some things that are out of our oontrol, work on the things you can do something about
    set short term goals,easily attainable,boosting one's self esteem
    Check out any information on W.R.A.P. (a national mental health program, Wellness Recovery Action Plan, You create a wellness toolbox of things you can do to work through your cycles. It is a workshop that is well attended and a good tool to utilize a you learn how to manage the down times, and the manic times. The meds will work better if you take them consistently, as stopping them abruptly can be dangerous!! enough said:)
    My company's mission statement is "To create opportunities and environments that empower people to recover, to succeed in accomplishing their goals and to reconnect to themselves, others and meaning and purpose in life" and they mean it! I have seen recovery and it does happen. You may exhibit symptoms of depression, and mania,but that doesn't mean it is who you are. Take it one day, one step at a time. Focus on your strengths, what are you good at? Be careful to not overwhelm one's self. Make a list of priorities and pick one or two that you want to tackle and start there. Distraction can be reduced if you only have a few things on your plate, when you complete one, try another... the body must rest, the mind must rest, as sleep deprivation can create more mania.
    Pathways to recovery
    Hope
    Choice
    Empowerment
    Spirituality
    Valued social role
    recovery environments

    These provide a positive direction, towards thinking about being well, and how to achieve it. Everyone's journey is different, just different choices along the way/

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