The Day I Knew

March 12th, 2010 was the last day I thought I was normal like everyone else.

On March 6th I was working a street shift as a paramedic like usual. My relationship at the time hadn't been going very well and an unfortunate situation resulted in a breakup after nearly two years of dating and 1 year of living together. It happened at 0300 after we had just gone available from the hospital. I remember every second. But that's where my memories end.

The next six and a half days are nothing but a blur. I truly remember nothing of the events of those days. I do know that I was awake for nearly 76 hours without so much as a nap. And I remember coming down from what I now know was a fully manic phase where I completely destroyed the once clean home I knew. A tornado could not have produced the mess that was present.

Projects seemed to have started and ended before completion. There were papers spread throughout the house, dishes stacked in the sink and groceries left unsorted. Friends have told me some of the events of those six days and I am not proud. I flirted endlessly, spent most of my money and drank in excess. My irrationality got me in trouble at work. I was irritable beyond anything I thought was possible. I became physically violent and had multiple outbursts. I was truly manic.

A few days later I had my first appointment with my psychiatrist. I was less than pleased. After showing up more than forty five minutes late, she asked me why I was there and what problems I'd been having. She then had me fill out a questionnaire that had twelve questions. I circled them dutifully and handed her the piece of paper. She handed me another. I repeated the steps and passed it back. She looked up after reviewing the results and said "You are Bipolar." My jaw hit the floor I'm sure. I asked her how she could tell after only about ten minutes. Apparently the tests I took were standardized tests. Who knew? I left her office after about thirty minutes with a Bipolar I diagnosis and a sample of Lamictal. She charged me $165 after insurance for 30 minutes.

Over the next week I contemplated what this meant. Bipolar? What the hell is that? I spent countless hours reading everything I could get my hands on. I needed to know everything I could. There's a lot to learn, and I'm still learning today.