Today, I find myself in an interesting position. Not bad necessarily, just...interesting.
Over the last few days I've been battling lack of sleep, poor diet and rather rapid mood swings. But in general, I seem to be moving towards "normal" again. Last night, well, this morning around 5, I took 50mg of Seroquel in an attempt to sleep and fortunately, I did. 11 hours in fact. But with all the renewed energy, I find myself unfocused.
I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say, but here's an example:
I was listening to music on my computer and decided to Youtube some Michael Buble. Immediately after the video started I found myself reminiscing of the days back in high school when I did live sound reproduction for musicals, concerts and the like. And immediately I start thinking about the massive sound system that was installed at the Lionel Hampton Jazz Festival in Idaho. I remember all the fun I had setting the systems up, testing and implementing them to good effect. But at the same time, I think about the music that's actually playing on this video, and remember all the amazing fun I had playing lead and solo trumpet in jazz band and think about how a career in music would be a lot of fun. But as soon as that starts, I think about my career so far as a paramedic and how I can't possibly leave all that behind. Is that just me? Am I too stuck on my current career and not focusing enough on what I am capable of?
Unfocused seems to be the right word. I need a change of careers, I'm burnt out beyond belief. I don't like my job anymore. But with all my interests, choices and desires for my life, I don't know how to even start.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Nightmares
I woke suddenly this morning. Drenched in sweat.
We were flying, somewhere. Mom, Dad and I. I'm pretty sure we were flying over the ocean. It was a beautiful sunny day, not a care in the world. Suddenly I remember the plane hitting the water. I swim free of the wreckage and see as Mom's head pokes out of the water. I do a backstroke, watching as the plane rolls to it's side, one wing jutting out of the water. Where is he? My backstroke stops when I feel a hard object between my shoulders and somehow I climb onto the cement. Home. I recognized my new surroundings as home. The bushes in front of the house, the buzzards on the railing. But oddly, instead of my childhood yard and shade tree, there's an ocean and an airplane rolling onto it's top, sinking. I don't see him. Suddenly an arm, and then his head. Dad! I jump into the water and begin swimming to him, I can't lose him. I wrap my arms around his chest and hold his upper body out of the water as I swim backwards. I accidentally spit some salt water into his face, he smiles. We reach the sidewalk and I help push him to the cement. We both climb out of the water and go inside and sit down in the kitchen as if nothing was wrong. Dad opens his favorite Jerry Baker book and the ordeal is over.
Why is this so real? What triggered this? I really, really hope this doesn't become a trend.
We were flying, somewhere. Mom, Dad and I. I'm pretty sure we were flying over the ocean. It was a beautiful sunny day, not a care in the world. Suddenly I remember the plane hitting the water. I swim free of the wreckage and see as Mom's head pokes out of the water. I do a backstroke, watching as the plane rolls to it's side, one wing jutting out of the water. Where is he? My backstroke stops when I feel a hard object between my shoulders and somehow I climb onto the cement. Home. I recognized my new surroundings as home. The bushes in front of the house, the buzzards on the railing. But oddly, instead of my childhood yard and shade tree, there's an ocean and an airplane rolling onto it's top, sinking. I don't see him. Suddenly an arm, and then his head. Dad! I jump into the water and begin swimming to him, I can't lose him. I wrap my arms around his chest and hold his upper body out of the water as I swim backwards. I accidentally spit some salt water into his face, he smiles. We reach the sidewalk and I help push him to the cement. We both climb out of the water and go inside and sit down in the kitchen as if nothing was wrong. Dad opens his favorite Jerry Baker book and the ordeal is over.
Why is this so real? What triggered this? I really, really hope this doesn't become a trend.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Sleep Eludes Me
So, it's been a while since I wrote anything. I moved to El Paso, Texas about two weeks ago. Took a new job, left my friends and family behind, again. I haven't slept more than two hours per night for nearly the entire two weeks.
My medications continue to "work as intended" but I feel that I am rapidly cycling from mania to depression, often multiple times in a day. I've been taking the medications intended to help me sleep during mania but unfortunately, I am not able to take Seroquel with any regularity as it causes the same side effects as Abilify did, dyskinesia. And more specifically it happens in my tongue. Trying to have a conversation with anyone when it sounds as if I'm having a stroke is more than frustrating. One night, alcohol was my drug of choice but yet again, I slept for about 2 hours and then woke, mind racing.
My diet has consisted mainly of fast food, macaroni and cheese, and popcorn chicken. Oh, and don't forget the massive amounts of Mt. Dew. I don't have the energy nor the desire to actually go outside and enjoy the sun. I have completely stopped exercising and spend most of my days playing computer games and generally loathing my existence. The only thing that truly keeps me grounded is my amazing friend N. She always seems to know the right things to say. Tonight, more than ever, she has helped keep me semi-focused on the good.
I'm sorry mom, for being so unreliable these past few days. It takes every ounce of energy I have just to get out of bed every day. Actually presenting myself to the world is nearly impossible. In fact, I don't even care to be around anyone, social contact is a chore. I hate chores.
My medications continue to "work as intended" but I feel that I am rapidly cycling from mania to depression, often multiple times in a day. I've been taking the medications intended to help me sleep during mania but unfortunately, I am not able to take Seroquel with any regularity as it causes the same side effects as Abilify did, dyskinesia. And more specifically it happens in my tongue. Trying to have a conversation with anyone when it sounds as if I'm having a stroke is more than frustrating. One night, alcohol was my drug of choice but yet again, I slept for about 2 hours and then woke, mind racing.
My diet has consisted mainly of fast food, macaroni and cheese, and popcorn chicken. Oh, and don't forget the massive amounts of Mt. Dew. I don't have the energy nor the desire to actually go outside and enjoy the sun. I have completely stopped exercising and spend most of my days playing computer games and generally loathing my existence. The only thing that truly keeps me grounded is my amazing friend N. She always seems to know the right things to say. Tonight, more than ever, she has helped keep me semi-focused on the good.
I'm sorry mom, for being so unreliable these past few days. It takes every ounce of energy I have just to get out of bed every day. Actually presenting myself to the world is nearly impossible. In fact, I don't even care to be around anyone, social contact is a chore. I hate chores.
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