The last few days have been rough. I sense myself slowly winding down into depression. I seem to have moments of upward mobility and start feeling better but it is only fleeting. Tonight I find myself in pain and unsure of where to go from here. My friends don't know...and many of them wouldn't understand if they did know. They just think I'm being antisocial.
The medications don't seem to be making much of a difference. If anything, they seem to make me cycle rapidly. These ups and downs have to stop soon...right?
My sleep patterns have changed drastically. I sleep for most of the day and continue to find myself exhausted and unable to do anything without great effort. It feels as if I spend all of my energy just convincing myself to do the daily activities that are required of me. Socializing just isn't happening. Does more sleep help? I have no idea.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Home, A Blessing?
I'm back to being out of control. Definitely depressed. Just as I thought things were going to work out. My mom is worried that that things have taken a turn for the worse, but I have been here before, it's all familiar territory. I am annoyed though, and upset that stabilising over the long term is apparently going to take much longer than I had hoped.
I would call this classic mild depression. It's a damned nuisance. Frankly if I were my boss I would fire me.
My mood cycles are confused, no longer the one week up / one week down. I think the medication is upsetting the regular rhythm. I can't say I like the unpredictability of what might happen next and I fear that my depression may last for far more than the usual week. I'm not sure if the medications are still working. I've been really unreliable when it comes to taking them.
I moved home recently and I have a feeling that the large move and sudden change in surroundings has had the opposite effect from what I expected. I find my moods extrememly unstable and even less predictable than usual. I suppose it will get better once I get settled in with a new psychiatrist and psychologist...right? I don't know anymore.
I don't feel guilty about all the things not getting done at the moment. Some part of me is able to say - "This is a medical problem, not a personal problem, and should be sorted out as such." But it does disturb me that two years down the line from when I started treating my my manic depressive episodes, I am still having weeks where I can barely function.
I think that ever since I was diagnosed, I held the quiet hope that it was just a matter of time before I came on the right combination of medicines that would stabilise me and I would be cured. I would reach a stage where I could say I have stabilized - the medication is finally working - and I could just take the medication and not worry about being bipolar anymore. But this is apparently not going to happen.
I am only now getting used to the idea that perhaps I will have to live with medication as the foundation for my stability, but also I will need a substantial and careful change in my lifestyle and in the things I do in order to remain stable as well. I am not sure I want to do this. Sounds like I will be having to change an awful lot.
I would call this classic mild depression. It's a damned nuisance. Frankly if I were my boss I would fire me.
My mood cycles are confused, no longer the one week up / one week down. I think the medication is upsetting the regular rhythm. I can't say I like the unpredictability of what might happen next and I fear that my depression may last for far more than the usual week. I'm not sure if the medications are still working. I've been really unreliable when it comes to taking them.
I moved home recently and I have a feeling that the large move and sudden change in surroundings has had the opposite effect from what I expected. I find my moods extrememly unstable and even less predictable than usual. I suppose it will get better once I get settled in with a new psychiatrist and psychologist...right? I don't know anymore.
I don't feel guilty about all the things not getting done at the moment. Some part of me is able to say - "This is a medical problem, not a personal problem, and should be sorted out as such." But it does disturb me that two years down the line from when I started treating my my manic depressive episodes, I am still having weeks where I can barely function.
I think that ever since I was diagnosed, I held the quiet hope that it was just a matter of time before I came on the right combination of medicines that would stabilise me and I would be cured. I would reach a stage where I could say I have stabilized - the medication is finally working - and I could just take the medication and not worry about being bipolar anymore. But this is apparently not going to happen.
I am only now getting used to the idea that perhaps I will have to live with medication as the foundation for my stability, but also I will need a substantial and careful change in my lifestyle and in the things I do in order to remain stable as well. I am not sure I want to do this. Sounds like I will be having to change an awful lot.
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