After more than a week of being out of touch, I am now in reasonable shape to talk. However, emotionally I am in a peculiar state - depressed with no symptoms of depression.
I am worried about the state but I don't know what to do. I'm going to chronicle what I have been feeling and doing. Except for the inability to do things I feel fine. I am clear headed and without anxiety.
I also have a larger fear. Suppose my current meds (400 mg/day Stavzor (Depakote), 600 mg/day Lithium, 50 mg/day Lamictal) don't actually stabilize me at normal. Suppose they stop the cycling and stabilize me at this point below normal. Suppose this is as good as it gets. It's a scary thought.
There is a practical problem associated with this. In the past, motivating myself was not something I did, motivation was something I had when I was hypomanic. In a way, I never had to work hard in my life, all I had to do was to wait for my hypomania to kick in and then ride the crest of all the energy. For most of my life this was quite enough.
Now that I don't have my manic push, how am I supposed to to move forward. Motivation and discipline are learned things and I never had to learn them before. I am finding it nearly impossible to do the basic things to get my life in order. I know what I should be doing to get my life in order. I just am not doing it.
This is not depression. I am clear thinking and I have none of the other symptoms associated with depression. This is being stuck in one place and not being able to move forward.
How does one learn to be motivated anyway? Motivation and discipline are learned things and learning takes time. I keep on expecting to bounce right back into things because my world is stable, but it is a wrong expectation. I now have to spend time learning how to live a normal life.
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